Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
