i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
