the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
