I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
