im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
