Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
