I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
