my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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