If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
