The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
