That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
