She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
