He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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