Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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