We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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