don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
