two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
