his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
