So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
