I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
