i think my tv is drunk
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
