Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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