She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
