Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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