Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm both gender and math confused
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
