News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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