ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
