I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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