Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
