I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
