Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
