That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
