there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
