ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
