I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
