It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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