my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
