If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
