apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
