hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
