Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
