I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
