The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
