I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
