Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
