My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
