i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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