Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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