I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
