I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
