haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
