I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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