I can text with my tongue
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
