i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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