hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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