the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
