i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
