okay pat passed out under dana's car
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
